How long do you think it takes to see significant change in the relationship with your child?
My guess is that your first answer would be… unclear, but definitely not “24 hours”.
Adults are skeptical about making changes to relationships. I personally think that is because most grown-ups base their life experience (relationships included) on dealing with other adults.
In all of my years of experience of being around children (as a teacher and, in the last few years, as a parent too), I can say with confidence though that relationships with kids are different: much more flexible, adaptable and prone to growth, just like the children themselves!
Children are not “set in their ways”. They can change direction really quickly.
But they do need an impulse for that.
You can be that impulse.
Here are 5 general suggestions for improving your relationship with your child – and see the difference within 24 hours:
1. Monitor your voice.
Kids are highly sensitive to your voice, believe it or not.
If you live in North America, you are familiar with the very popular Mr. Rogers and his incredibly soothing voice. I for one think that this was one of the key ingredients of his success.
Kermit the Frog, Yoda, all the Disney princesses… any iconic character has a very distinct voice.
The point here is not to be unique like Kermit the Frog… but friendly to a child’s ears!
Keep your voice down.
If you need to discipline, do it in a firm tone, but don’t shout.
You will be amazed at the changes that this one “little” improvement will bring to your relationship with your child.
2. Make affectionate physical contact with your child, especially if he or she is anxious, angry etc.
There is a reason why horse whisperers spend hours brushing a troubled horse’s hair and rubbing his skin.
Affectionate physical contact soothes.
We humans are physical creatures. As adults we tend to forget that.
But little children need physical contact in the form of caresses, gentle nudges, a rub of the top of the head or back etc. as much as they need food.
There was a study done somewhere in the known Universe – only, of course, I don’t remember where or when… all I remember is reading that babies in orphanages who were not touched and offered physical affection literally died.
A hug can be quite literally a grounding mechanism for a kid in the middle of an emotional storm.
Throw them (gently!) in the air if they are small enough.
Touch their round cheeks – and enjoy how puffy and cute they are, by the way…
This is another thing that will transform your relationship – and very fast.
Of course, you don’t have to become a “touchy feely” person if that’s not who you are.
But I am sure you have extra hugs to give and a caress or two that nobody expected.
3. Ask your child specific questions about his or her life and experiences.
Don’t assume that your child will come to you… when he or she is ready.
Kids need to understand that you are interested in their life, perceptions, experiences etc.
Perhaps you have and were met with silence.
The workaround that is to give them options – a bit like “Is it A, B, C or none of the above?”
For example, if I ask my almost 4 y.o. if he liked school, I will get a simple “Yes” and that’s that. End of the conversation.
If I ask him WHAT he liked about school that day, I may or may not get something… most likely… NOT!
But if I ask: “Did you like the song? The story? The coloring you did?”, then I get a definite answer – and it is usually the beginning of the conversation! “Oh, the song!” Me: “What was it about? Can you sing it for mama?” and so on.
By the way, this works very well with conflicts too: if you are trying to get to the root of a problem, a few targeted and very specific questions can really untangle some knots.
4. Cultivate more patience.
This is worth repeating: cultivate more patience.
Remember that children are learning EVERYTHING.
Nothing is obvious to them.
They have to work everything out.
It takes a bit of time… right?
It’s not that they don’t get it, they don’t want to listen or are just being stubborn… (well, okay, sometimes they are… but not as often as you think!).
They simply need time to work it out in their heads!
Give them this time to react, to think about things, to put them in perspective and arrange their mental puzzle.
They don’t have the know-how to tell you “Excuse me, give me a moment to think about this!”.
You have to be the one who knows that they are doing just that – and wait for them to do it.
It will transform your relationship.
5. Lighten up.
Children come into this world all sproutly green and happy.
They want to stay that way.
It is built in – I am convinced of it – this drive towards happiness, towards well-being, towards joyful growth and a general good time. Much like the sap in a tree or a plant.
Doom, gloom, worries and moodiness do not sit well with young crowds.
Whatever the problems… whatever the situation… perhaps you can find a way to lighten up.
Children are naturally optimistic.
So if the situation is “bad”, might you take comfort in their optimism instead of dampening theirs with your worries?
So there you have it: 5 tips to improve your relationship with your child in 24 hours.
They may be simple… but they are effective. Just try!
Maria Ellis: Books for Children 