14 Common Misconceptions About Communicating with Your Child

Communicating with your child is a vast subject. Not only that but it changes with each age group. Obviously, you do not talk to a tween the same way you talk to a toddler.

However…

There are some general “rules of the game” that I personally see as the foundation to communicating with children.

Of course, different parents and families have different ideas about how to get through to young people. These are entirely mine, based on raising my own and, also, having worked for some years with kids as young as 3 and as old as 17, I think I have some insight into the subject. Hard-won insight at that… (what do you do if you find the word “caca” on the board and a classroom full of heehawing teens?!)

14 Misconceptions About Communicating with Children

1. There is no point explaining when they are very young – they don’t get it anyway.

Wrong. They may not get everything, but they get the gist, they get the fact that there is a reason for things, they get the idea that you are in charge and you take the time to explain things to them… and this is how they learn about the world! Us explaining things – again and again, if necessary.

I started talking to my son as soon as I got my wits about me after giving birth to him. He is almost 4 and people tell me how amazed they are by his capacity to understand things. Well… he’s used to listening, that’s for sure. Because I’m explaining… pretty much everything!

2. You have to raise your voice to show authority.

Hm… no. When you raise your voice, they just get scared and do things out of fear. Respect isn’t won by shouting. This is true at any age.

Sure, sometimes you have to raise your voice… and sometimes you lose your temper. But I am not talking about “sometimes”.

3. You have to show them you know everything (can’t say “I don’t know!”).

Kids can smell a lie as much as anyone. When you are trying to cover up the fact that you don’t know something, you lose credibility – and it’s completely unnecessary.

Why not keep it real?

Wouldn’t it be better to just say you don’t know – and then, depending on the circumstances, show them how you do find out? Perhaps it’s by reading a book from the library, doing a search online, asking someone etc. etc. etc. That’s how real life works! Sometimes we don’t know… make that a lot of times.

4. You not only have to have the answer to everything, but it has to be FAST.

No, you do not have to have the answer to everything (see 3 above). But also… Quick thinking… quick reactions… sure, sometimes you have to exhibit all that. But most of the times things are not in such a hurry. Get off the treadmill. Say “I need to think about this” – or reflect upon, or meditate, or take a break and breathe, or… or…

5. Kids are too young and/or inexperienced to understand when adults “put up a show”.

What I mean by that is that grown-ups are under the impression that they can cover up their real emotions and feelings and just put up a show “for the sake of the kids” or for their benefit.

But kids are incredible “bs detectors” (to use a Hemingway phrase). Very sensitive ones. They may not be able to put it in words, but they can ‘read the energy” as I call it.

6. One way is the right way and you just have to stick to yours.

Perhaps that “way” was tried and tested in your family for five generations… or that is how you imagined doing things when you became a parent…

Children are very much their own person. They have personalities and preferences. Some are more visual, others more rational. If you want to get through to yours, you have to adapt your way of communicating to the personality of the child, or it will literally fall on deaf ears.

7. Pushing (and pushing…) a message will make it go through.

Parents get into power struggles with kids. Then, mom and dad need to show who the boss is. So they start pushing. And pushing. And expecting things to happen RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY/MAN!

Stop it. Let them be. Let them think. Let them choose.

8. Kids have to always be open to communicating with their parents – but not the other way around.

It’s an instance of “When mom/dad speaks, you listen!” but, on the other hand, “I’m busy, can’t you see?” . That double-standard.

9. Non-verbal communication doesn’t matter.

Most of human communication actually happens without words (look it up!). It is valid at any age.

10. Actions do not “speak louder than words”.

You can’t say “Don’t you smoke!” to a teen while you have a cigarette in your hand. Even if you add “Don’t do what I do!” and openly say it’s bad.

11. Expectations don’t have to or need to be stated plainly and openly.

When an adult begins a new job, it is usually the case that they receive some sort of instructions about what they are expected to do – and, probably, how they are expected to do it.

Sure, “daughter” and “son” are not jobs… and yet, many parents expect their kids to just “get” what is expected of them… and there is a set of expectations.

This is very important especially when they are young.

Take the time to explain “the rules of the game”.

12. Authority leaves no room for warmth and compassion.

Sure, kids need authority figures. But what are the authority figures communicating? Sternness? Inflexibility? Whether you want to or not, a parent is a sort of leader. Where are you leading – and how? This will reflect on communicating with your kids in every possible way.

13. You have to be their best friend.

This is the opposite of the previous one… but it is equally inefficient. You are supposed to steer the boat, not treat them as if they know how to do it themselves – and you are sharing the experience. They don’t – they’re learning. Let them learn while you do your best to be the captain.

14. Humor is what we do after we solve all the problems. But not something we use to solve them.

Humor drives home a point like nothing else – and it lowers defenses too!

Ever tried to convince a toddler to do something when s/he doesn’t want to? Ever tried the same thing – while making him or her laugh? Which one works?

Ever tried the above exercise with a pre-teen? Tween? Teen? Your spouse? 🙂

Yeah, humor is the universal language of “Let’s just all lighten up”. And then, the communication flows.